Apart

"I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those are some of the best times of my life."

I am waiting for all the many more good times to come.. So be it !!

Alone With You

How can I walk down this road alone?
With each step I think of you,
waiting for me at its end.
My thoughts reach the heavens and color them red.
My heart beats red as I walk this path.
But with you waiting, the way is fragrant.
I am not alone.
As I rush to your embrace,
the ruby sky follows close behind.
~ Kim Do-eon

I am waiting...

Solitary Confinement

I was talking to one of my single friends last evening, and he seemed extremely morose. The reason? His long standing tradition of going out with his friends every Saturday was broken the first time in 5 years. The reason? Well.. All his friends are now either married or engaged - and prefer spending their weekends with their special someones.. Their group had started with around 12 people.. And over the years, the number dwindled exponentially - till this guy was the only one remaining.

The void that's left behind by friends getting hooked up with their special someones is disturbing - as was quite apparent from the way my friend was sulking. And this ordeal is especially painful for people who're staying alone and away from their immediate family. "Love is always overrated" my friend went on.. Yes - there are other important things in this world - great work, good money, a loving and understanding family.. Then why is it so that he's so upset?

I guess it's because a good bank balance or even parents and siblings cannot always give you the kind of company that you wish to have when you want to watch a movie, or cook, or go shopping for a new gadget, or just plain have someone with you as you watch some stupid program on the idiot box. It's basically to cure an ailment called loneliness.

Reminds me of this quote that I read sometime back:

"I've got everything I need except a man. And I'm not one of those women who thinks a man is the answer to everything, but I'm tired of being alone."

Which way is the highway?

"Of course life is bizarre, the more bizarre it gets, the more interesting it is. The only way to approach it is to make yourself some popcorn and enjoy the show."

I was talking to a friend today and as I gave him the latest updates of what's up with me, he started looking for a word to describe the pace of my life. And we both finally decided on happening.

So how do we define happening? Does a person who goes out partying every night have a happening life? Or is it happening only if the person goes out partying every night with a different set of friends? :)

I believe happening is when there is no certainty in one's life. And the absence of certainty makes everything completely unpredictable and hence makes every thing seem like a new twist and an unexpected turn..

As we went to talk about other things, I wondered whether I am really enjoying my happening life. "Of course I am.." I said to myself ".. but one cannot have popcorn for dinner all life.."

Ballad

आंखों में इतनी नींद हैं, के क्या बताऊँ
पर ये तेरा इंतज़ार हैं के सोने नहीं देता

It is a dark night. Only 4 cubicles in the compete workhall are lit with those gloomy low voltage tubes. It's the GA day for the release and we have just fixed 4 issues. The five of us are waiting with bated breath as we see the builder nearing the completion of the build...

अब और ना तड़पा मुझे जालिम
कहीं ये चाहत मेरी जान ना ले ले

And there it is. The last thing that can go wrong in a day that has been spent in fire fighting release issues- the builder has failed.

तमाचा मारा होता तो ठीक होता
ये धोखा देने का अंदाज़ वार कर गया

We are looking at the screen blankly. We are tired and sleepy.

तेरे दर पर आए हैं
खाली हाथ तो नहीं लौटेंगे

I restart the builder and force a build.

तुम चाहो भी तो हमसे
दूर नहीं जा पाओगे
चाहो कहीं भी जाकर बस जाओं
आख़िर हमारी ही बाहों में आओगे

A build! In all its tar.gz glory. One of the most beautiful sights we have ever seen. We are at peace now.

तेरे काँधे पर सिर रख कर
मूँद ली हैं जो आंखें
आने दो नींद को जी भर कर
अब ख़्वाबों में होने दो बातें

Event Horizon

The countdown has begun... :)

Smile away the miles...

I was just talking to someone who was feeling very sad and lonely, being far from her loved ones. As I was trying to cheer her up a bit- I was thinking to myself- anything that I say will be easier said than done. I know I have felt lonely at times. And in all those times- I learnt that memories are powerful. So I cannot let them make me weak- I have to make them my strength instead.

We associate love with people, places, things. Which is why distance troubles us. The heart never sees distance- it is the mind which puts in the miles between two hearts... :)

Ek khaali pannaa...

Bas ek paani kee aawaaz laplapaati hain
Ki ghaat chhod ke maanjhi tamaam jaa bhee chuke...

I saw the movie Raincoat (starring Ajay Devgan and Aishwarya Rai) today. Heart wrenching.. No.. Maybe heart wrenching is not the right word.. I do not know what the right word is.. I just know that I felt empty after watching the movie.. Yeah- now I have the right word.. I felt a void in me. I felt numb and listless.

I had felt a similar feeling after I had watched Black. That was one inspiring movie- and yet there was something dark about it. Dark enough to bring many of my caged feelings to the foreground. And today Raincoat did something similar- but in an opposite way. Raincoat took away all my emotions and left my empty. As if a busy street suddenly went completely deserted...

Mathura nagarpati kaahe tum gokul jaaon..

One of these days...

I hear the wave from afar
It comes crashing to the shore

I blindly run out to the beach
The wave is now within my reach

The same thrill again
As it was the first time

The same greeting again
As was given in the last sign

But wave does not stay for long
It retreats- and it feels so wrong...

Going back into the vast ocean
Where it came from

I want to dissolve in the wave
I plead- "Stay... That one moment- let me save..."

It looks at me and says- "Need to go now"
"I would be back- I can't say when or where or how"

I run after it- the wave turns back and stops me..
It makes the treacherous sand hold me in the sea...

It says- "You cannot come farther than these footsteps few-
Else, I can promise, that the ocean will claim you"

I say I want to be claimed- for that is better than this thirst
The wave says- "For a fulfilled dream- you would live through pain first"

But wait- my footsteps- they are washed away!
They will not be there- to be seen another day...

I shout after the wave- Where are the footprints that I made?
The wave says- "They are in me now- I took them-
from the place where they were laid"

The wave goes back and the sand slips away
I suddenly feel weightless- and the wave has its say...

"I would be back" is what I hear in my heart
Will it enough for all this time apart...?

On the shore- gazing at the the ocean- day and night I sit...
The wait is long and painful- but every bit worth it.

Over and over I hear it- as the wave solemnly says-
"You will be the ocean I return to- one of these days"


One day is gone today...

One day will come tomorrow...

Nomad

Main fiza hoon kaheen bhee thahartee naheen

Ruk bhee jaaoon kaheen par to rahtee naheen
Maine tinke uthaaye huen hain paron par
Aashiyaanaa naheen hain meraa...
- Gulzar

Everyone keeps windows open to let the wind come in- but no one gives her a home.

Zombie

Body without soul...

Choice

It's sometimes better to be a beautiful memory than to lead an ugly existence.

Frozen

After great pain, a formal feeling comes
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Toombs
The stiff Heart questions was it He, that bore,
And Yesterday, or Centuries before?

The Feet, mechanical, go round
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought
A Wooden way
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone

This is the Hour of Lead Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons recollect the Snow
First-Chill-then Stupor-then the letting go

The queen of irony and black pain- I present- Emily Dickinson...

Incomplete

Kuchh tootein huen sheeshon mein hee ek chhotaa saa khwaab hain... Ab khwaab dekhaa hain to sheeshein to ghaav karenge hee :)

Empty

It is unimaginable how many hopes one can have pinned on a single day- even a single moment... This can be realized only in retrospection when these hopes are dashed against some alternate reality that dawns upon that person.

At times it is scary- one hopes to find something at the other side of a glass door- and ends up staring at one's own reflection...

Set them free...

A tear rolls down my cheek- and as I close my eyes- I say to myself- "Tomorrow...."

Twilight...

Clenched Soul

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.
Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?

Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

- Pablo Neruda

Got this beautiful composition here. I was watching the sunset today and I suddenly remembered this poem. Today's sunset is devoted to all those who spend their twilights waiting...