Deafening

"You hesitate to stab me with a word, but know not - silence is the sharper sword."
~Samuel Johnson

ये जो सिली सिली औंदी हैं हवा.. तेरी याद संग लांदी हैं हवा ....

"अच्छा Priyanka, एक बात बताओ.. अगर किसी के birthday के दिन holiday हो, तो chocolate कब लानी होती हैं?"

"उसके दूसरे दिन.."

"ऑर अगर उसके दूसरे दिन भी छुट्टी हो तो?"

"तो फिर उसके पिछले दिन"

"तेरी तो ... मैं तो आज chocolate लाया ही नहीं!! "

"तेरा birthday हैं?? कब हैं??"

"कल.. चलों कोई नहीं.. Monday को आ जायेंगे.. "

Monday आ गया हैं Sumit... अपना वादा पूरा कारों. हमारे लिए chocolates लेकर आओं... Sumit...? Sumit?? कहाँ हो तुम?? Cubicle में क्यों नहीं हो? कहाँ हो यार??

अरे यार देखो अब नाटक मत कारों.. कितने सारे काम पड़े हैं!! वोह Axis २ का कोड merge करना हैं - तुम्हें बोला था मैंने उस branch में मत checkin करना- पर बात तो माननी हैं नहीं तुमने!! Selenium के testcases review करवाने हैं तुमसे.. और वो तुमने Sonali के setup का organization delete कर दिया फिर से - डंडे पड़ने वाले हैं तुम्हें अब बस!! इतने दिनों पहले तुम्हें parties की list दी थी manage करने के लिए- वोह भी अधूरी पड़ी हैं!! डांट खाओं बस अब सबकी!!!

अरे!!! जवाब क्यों नहीं देते? कहाँ छुप गए हो?

Kunal कब से call कर रहां हैं तुम्हें - नीचे बुला रहां हैं.. तुम phone क्यों नहीं उठा रहे हो यार?? Eventwadi के coordinators next event की meeting के लिए कब से तुम्हें बुला रहे हैं.. आख़िर तुम उनके best volunteers में से एक हो!!

कहाँ चलें गए हो यार?? देखो.. अब बहुत तंग कर लिया हमें.. अच्छा chocolates को छोडो.. सब काम छोडो.. सिर्फ़ तुम आ जाओं.. अब आ जाओं बस..

तुम्हारें बिना मन नहीं लग रहां हैं.. हम सब तुम्हें miss कर रहे हैं.. "अच्छा एक बात बताओ" सुनने के लिए कान तरस गए हैं.. तुम्हें ढेर सारे सवाल लेकर Cubicle में आता हुआ देखना चाहते हैं हम.. तुम्हारी total Punjabi accent वाली बातें सुनना चाहते हैं हम.. "भूख लगी हैं.. कुछ खाने के लिए हैं क्या" कहने वाला कोई नहीं हैं अब. देखो तो.. Sonali तुम्हारें लिए डब्बा भर कर पराँठे लायी हैं तुम्हारें favorite वाले.. Niraj के डब्बे में नमकीन भी हैं.. आओं तो..

तुम हमसे रूठ तो नहीं गए हो किसी बात से?? तुमने उस दिन कहा था ना के घर जाना हैं और छुट्टी चाहिए तुम्हें? तुमने कहा था के "अगर इस बार छुट्टी नहीं दी तो मैंने नहीं आना वापस".. तुम्हें जितनी चाहिए उतनी छुट्टी दिलवा देंगे यार.. तुम बस वापस आ जाओं please..

please Sumit.. please वापस आ जाओं.. तुमने मुझे वादा किया था ना Sumit - के मेरी शादी की चूडियाँ तुम अमृतसर से लाओगे मेरे लिए.. तुम अपना वादा ऐसे नहीं तोड़ सकते.. तुम्हें वापस आना ही होगा.. हम सब के लिए.. क्यों तुम्हारें बिना ज़िन्दगी बेरंग हो गई हैं.. सब कुछ रुखा हो गया हैं..

जानती हूँ तुम इस वक्त मुस्कुरा कर कह रहे हो.. "ओये कोई नहीं - मैंने कभी दूर नहीं जाना - वहीं पर हूँ मैं.." जानती हूँ के तुम्हारी जिंदादिली तुम्हें कभी हमसे दूर नहीं होने देगी.. और तुम अगर चाहो भी तो हमसे दूर नहीं जा पाओगे.. क्योंकि तुम्हारें साथ बिताया हुआ हर एक पल इतना यादगार हैं के भूल पाना किसी के बस की बात नहीं.. तुम हमेशा हमारे दिलों में रहोगे .. जानती हूँ के जब भी हम तुम्हें याद करेंगे, तुम्हें हमारे पास ही पायेंगे.. सच

Sumit died in a freak road accident on 1st May 2009, his 23rd birthday. I have not known him for more than 8 months, and yet, he was and will remain one of my closest friends. Not only was he a beloved friend, he was one of the nicest human beings I have ever met. I never saw him frown even once in all of the 8 months I have known him. My ever smiling kiddo was the sharpest of the lot.

This is for you Sumit. We all will miss you, we have been crying like babies for the last two days you know, and while the tears have still not stopped, we know you would never want to see us crying.. We will always cherish the time that you spent with us.. And if we have been able to muster up the courage to smile today, it is just because of you.

Sumit Kumar Choudhary
1st May 1986 - 1st May 2009

Colorless

A tree was just uprooted
And a new seed was planted.

You're telling me
That nothing will change.
That some things
Are meant to be done.
That it's "a way of life".

But the way I see it-
I have lost my ways
In what you're calling
A way of life.

Irreversible

The Night has a thousand eyes,
And the Day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
With the dying sun.

The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies
When love is done.

As I watch someone lose hope I have this dreary feeling inside me- not all ends are new beginnings...

Zombie

Body without soul...

Repression

It was just a day before my 12th std board exams when my father was hospitalized with a critical case of third degree ulcers which were making him vomit blood. He was kept in the ICU. I suddenly realized that I have to take care of my mom and sister- that I might not be the strongest person in the world- but I was the strongest of us three and that it was upto me to be brave and not cry. I did that- I gave my exams detached from what was happening at home- I used to come back everyday after the exam and go directly to the hospital- hoping that today there would be some better news. Finally his condition started improving and relief set in. I was working like a machine all those days when he was critical- I did not pay attention to how much my soul was bleeding- I just knew I could not break down and cry even once- because my mom was hinging on me being brave. I was probably a good daughter at that time.

But that took a toll on me.

Since then, over all these years- in any crisis- I have let my soul bleed and still be brave. Because that is how people require me to be. I have to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good employee, a good human being. I have tried doing all that and tried being brave all the time- facing any crisis thrown my way without any help and without any support. And most people have come to take it for granted- she does not need anyone- she will manage.

And it has started hurting now.

When the soul is wounded and does not find any outlet to express that pain- it turns physical and and the body starts hurting.

Choice

It's sometimes better to be a beautiful memory than to lead an ugly existence.

Dying sunshine...

I am sure many people must have seen the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. A character (the receptionist to the memory-eraser doc) in the movie mentions the quote from which the title of the movie is derived:

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

This quote is actually a prose from a popular poem called Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope. It's a long one- and a very dark and sad one. It creates a dreary picture in the mind- a dream turning into a nightmare- joy being just an illusion while sorrow is the cold truth.

I found the complete poem here. A word of caution- this is written in 18th century English and not everyone might understand or like the constitution or the style of expression. Also, some part of the prose that I have put below in this post is not in the same order as in the original poem.

Want to try your emotional strength? Read this poem when you are upset. I happened to read it at a time when I was not in my happiest moods- and it took me deeper into it till I thought I would not see light at all...

Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
Far other raptures, of unholy joy:
When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
Fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,
Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,
All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.
Oh curs'd, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,
And stir within me every source of love.
I hear thee, view thee, gaze o'er all thy charms,
And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
I wake — no more I hear, no more I view,
The phantom flies me, as unkind as you. I
call aloud; it hears not what I say;
I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
Alas, no more — methinks we wand'ring go
Through dreary wastes, and weep each other's woe,
Where round some mould'ring tower pale ivy creeps,
And low-brow'd rocks hang nodding o'er the deeps.
Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
And wake to all the griefs I left behind.

Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;
Sad proof how well a lover can obey!
Death, only death, can break the lasting chain;
And here, ev'n then, shall my cold dust remain,
Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
And wait till 'tis no sin to mix with thine...

But it is only in my darkest moments that I have found the courage to go on with even more determination! The pessimism in the poem acted like an antidote for my depression. It charged me up enough for me to smile and believe that Sab achchhaa hogaa :)