Repression

It was just a day before my 12th std board exams when my father was hospitalized with a critical case of third degree ulcers which were making him vomit blood. He was kept in the ICU. I suddenly realized that I have to take care of my mom and sister- that I might not be the strongest person in the world- but I was the strongest of us three and that it was upto me to be brave and not cry. I did that- I gave my exams detached from what was happening at home- I used to come back everyday after the exam and go directly to the hospital- hoping that today there would be some better news. Finally his condition started improving and relief set in. I was working like a machine all those days when he was critical- I did not pay attention to how much my soul was bleeding- I just knew I could not break down and cry even once- because my mom was hinging on me being brave. I was probably a good daughter at that time.

But that took a toll on me.

Since then, over all these years- in any crisis- I have let my soul bleed and still be brave. Because that is how people require me to be. I have to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good employee, a good human being. I have tried doing all that and tried being brave all the time- facing any crisis thrown my way without any help and without any support. And most people have come to take it for granted- she does not need anyone- she will manage.

And it has started hurting now.

When the soul is wounded and does not find any outlet to express that pain- it turns physical and and the body starts hurting.