Apart

"I miss you when something really good happens, because you are the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because you are the one who understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry because i know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you most when I lay awake at night and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other; for those are some of the best times of my life."

I am waiting for all the many more good times to come.. So be it !!

Crossover

Discovered this beautiful song while watching Breakfast at Tiffany's sometime back. And it was one of those weirdly wonderful moments when you hear something which resonates with your state of mind perfectly..

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
Wherever you're going I'm going your way.

Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.

We're after the same rainbow's end--
Waiting 'round the bend,
My huckleberry friend,

Moon River ... and me.

Resonance happens when frequencies match and only the two objects resonating know of it - my soul, and this song..

Let the show BEGIN!

Well.

I did not enter the Voice of Persistent singing contest to lose, so to say. Like all the other participants, I too harbored the not-so-secret ambition of being in the top three, and coming home with a trophy. I knew what a tough fight it would be and given the musically accomplished folks who were going to be singing in the competition. I realized, right at the start, that it would be a great honor just to reach the final five!

And that I did. As my name was announced in the final five list, I was not thinking about the trophy anymore. All I was thinking of was - "Yesssssssss!!! I *will* get to perform the last and final song that I had prepared for!!!".. The final moment came and I performed. Then the super-final moment came and the results were announced.

And then, anti climax.

My name wasn't there in the top three list. I put on a brave face and applauded the winners. Okay, let me be honest and say that I truly was very happy for each one of them, for they totally deserved to be holding those trophies in their hands. But hey! I am human too and for that split second, I felt upset that my hands were too small for that trophy and my voice too weak to reach it..

Kunal was on the stage with me in that very split second. I was looking at him, trying to fight back tears which were threatening to swell in my eyes - ".. so I was hoping I would be third in rank at least.." and he was saying ".. arre yaar.. We knew it from the beginning right? That there would be a very tough chance.. We just wanted to give it our BEST.. And God knows you did that.. Sumi I am proud of you.. The way you sang today, I fell in love with you all over again.. Sach.."

I smiled at his happy face and thought, yes, I did not let him, my best friend, my life partner and my Guru, down. And that's a big prize in itself. I started going backstage to get my bag and other stuff.

That's when it all started.

"Congratulations Priyanka!! That was a MIND BLOWING peformance.."

"Priyanka.. You were the best! I LOVED your songs.. "

".. Kyaa performance thaa yaar.. Mazaa aa gayaaa"

".. and the way you guys sang the duet, you were tempting photographers to click your pics.. Arre yaar tumhaarein photo lete lete memory khatam ho gayi camera ki!!"

".. My god woman! You had the nerve to sing THAT song on THIS stage!! I have forgotten how that song originally sounded after hearing your rendition of it.. You ROCK!!"

I was swarmed by people from all sides!! I knew my team mates would stand by me and that the results would not matter to them.. But I had certainly not expected this level of adulation!! People from all over the auditorium were coming and congratulating me for my performance. People I knew and people I had never ever seen before - all of 'em were shaking my hand and lauding me. There were kids who were waiting to come and shake hands with me and wish me luck!!

Finally the audience started to disperse, but the icing on the cake was yet to come. A very senior and special person came and talked to me after that. This gentleman defies his age in his enthusiasm and quick wit, and especially his memory. He still remembers one of my stage performances, which took place five years back - he still addresses me as "Sonia Gandhi", after the character that I played in that play. He is one of the most revered folks in the company, and he walked up to me and said - "My vote went to you dear! You truly were the best"..

Finally, I was able to go and meet my family and my Mom's joyous face with tiny tears in her eyes said it all - I had already won my prize in the pride that she felt for me!! My sister, who's one of my biggest critics, said it too "I never knew you could sing like THAT!! WOW!"..

When I went to sleep that night, I said to myself - "This was one of the best days of my life.."

I was wrong.

There was a parcel waiting for me in office the next day - it had a rose pinned onto an envelope carrying a beautiful, handwritten letter. It came from one of the prize winning participant's father who deeply appreciated my songs. That letter is now a part of my most treasured things. Sir - if you are reading this - I do not have words to tell you how special that letter will always be to me and saying "thanks" seems too tiny a response to your thoughtful and soulful words..

I always thought I knew what it is like to be rewarded and awarded. But what I was experienced on the evening of the show and the day after, was something totally different. And without a single doubt, it was much more special and personal. The pride and love in Kunal's eyes and on my family's faces, the letter, the overwhelming response I got from everyone in the auditorium - these are all my special prizes, and they are priceless. The first line of that invaluable letter said it right..

"You stole the show, though not the trophy.."

Homecoming

I can hear the question that most people reading my blog have: Where have I been? Why have there been no blog posts since the last five months or so!

The answer is short. Instead of experiencing life by writing about it, I've been experiencing it by living it!

And I've realized that it's stupid to act as if something that you truly want is not important. Especially when you're assuming it to be insignificant based on what someone else wants you to believe.

For instance, more than one person has said this to me, that having a person you love be with you, does not mean everything (if anything at all) in life. And as I realize now, not surprisingly, these people were the ones who refused to stand by me. Convenient ehh? :)

Today I would like to take this opportunity to inform all those losers, that it's a wonderful feeling to have a special someone stand by me! And in fact, I must thank them all for not standing by me or in my way, else I would have missed out on the real bliss that I have now found.

It's very easy to talk about faith - it's very difficult to keep it. And as I taste the wondrous essence of love now, I remember a poem titled "One of these days" that I had written a long long time back. It ended with something like:

On the shore- gazing at the the ocean- day and night I sit...
The wait is long and painful- but every bit worth it.
Over and over I hear it- as the wave solemnly says-
"You will be the ocean I return to- one of these days"

The day is here.

Reclamation

कई सदियों से तुम्हारी
एक आहट का इंतज़ार हैं
शिकायत तुमसे नहीं-
मुझे तो इस दूरी से तकरार हैं

कभी तो यूँ लगता हैं
मानो लम्बी एक दीवार हैं
में यहाँ हूँ-
और मेरी जिन्दगी उस पार हैं...


Cross over to that side - it's never too late.

Alive

As all layers of dust
Started coming off
I knew it to be true
All you need is
A tune to sing along
Whenever you're feeling blue

As fingers danced
Up n' down
On those six strings
I saw how much
Joy and spirit
A single chord brings

Hour after hour
Song after song
Melodies, left and right
Yes, it was miracle
That I saw unfold
In my soul last night..

Set your music free - you never know whom it touches and gives life to..

Dreams Unlimited

"Don't tell me you've stopped dreaming! No. Not YOU!!"

I had one of my friends exclaim this loudly to me the other day.

"Priyanka you're THE eternal dreamer, who can cross oceans for her dreams. You're.. umm.. you're like Geet from the movie Jab We Met. That's what you've always been. A person who would give anything for her dreams. Well... Maybe also a person whose dreams get fulfilled as often as they get broken. But when have broken dreams stopped Priyanka from dreaming again? Nope. They never have and they never will... Right? RIGHT???"

I smiled as my friend threw a worried glance at me. The news of me having my name put up on a local matrimonial service made her spew out all this.

"How the hell do you think you can get into an arranged marriage?? Priyanka - you're NOT arranged marriage material - you have to fall in love and get married.. I cannot believe you're doing this!!"

"Well.. Thousands of people get into arranged marriages every year you know" I made a weak attempt to reason with her.

"Yeah- thousands of people do it. But not you Priyanka. Not YOU!!"

I smiled again. After being put up on the matrimonial circuit for almost a year now, I knew what she was talking about. No, I am not saying it's a bad thing. But has it ever been a great feeling to get judged by complete strangers who come to "see" you? I am not trying to sound like a victim here, because I am sure that the feeling is mutual - I am sure that the guy feels the same way, if not worse. But that's the whole point.

Is there any place for dreams when two people are expected to decide about each other in one meeting which lasts for not more than 2 hours? No. There is no place for dreams in such a setting. It's a totally practical decision, which is made on the basis of caste+kundali+(and other things which fall in this category), education, financial status, social status, looks and so on- not necessarily in that order. There is no place for love either - it's the "pyaar to ho hee jayegaa" syndrome, wherein we are expected to fall in love with each other once we have decided that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together.

"Priyanka!! Are you listening to me??"

I looked at my friend. She's been married for over four years now - love marriage - and was recently blessed with a beautiful baby boy. I sighed. How do I explain it to her? How do I tell her that my time is running out? That being a girl who's 25 years of age and still unmarried is supposed to be a sin for me and a shame for my parents. Especially since I am a working girl. Had I been studying, it would still have been acceptable. That ways I would have at least had a post graduation degree to show off. I don't have that either. All I have is 4 years of work-ex, which is zero value-addition to my matrimonial resume.

"Nothing.." I said to her.. "I guess I am going down the arranged marriage way after all!" I forced another smile.

"That's totally full of s***" she swore. "Hey!! What about that friend of yours who .."

"So how's your li'l angel doing?" I cut her short. She got the hint and backed off gracefully, and easily got into talking about her new status as a full time mom. I drew in a breath of relief. The discussion was over - at least for now.

As I was coming back home after meeting her, I was thinking to myself - have I stopped dreaming? Have I stopped believing that I will find the kind of love that I am looking for? Haven't I already compromised on my chances of finding it by agreeing to dress up every weekend for bride seekers? Haven't I given up on falling in love my way?

And I was surprised at the answer that I gave to myself, and the surety with which it came to me. Whatever my truth maybe at this moment, it cannot wash out the truth that has been with me all my life. And a quote started ringing in my ears..

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise.”

Optimystic

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you, and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... You still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life, that will eventually begin to fade."
~ Iris, The Holiday

One of the biggest lessons to learn in life, is to be able to differentiate between hope and delusion.

Solitary Confinement

I was talking to one of my single friends last evening, and he seemed extremely morose. The reason? His long standing tradition of going out with his friends every Saturday was broken the first time in 5 years. The reason? Well.. All his friends are now either married or engaged - and prefer spending their weekends with their special someones.. Their group had started with around 12 people.. And over the years, the number dwindled exponentially - till this guy was the only one remaining.

The void that's left behind by friends getting hooked up with their special someones is disturbing - as was quite apparent from the way my friend was sulking. And this ordeal is especially painful for people who're staying alone and away from their immediate family. "Love is always overrated" my friend went on.. Yes - there are other important things in this world - great work, good money, a loving and understanding family.. Then why is it so that he's so upset?

I guess it's because a good bank balance or even parents and siblings cannot always give you the kind of company that you wish to have when you want to watch a movie, or cook, or go shopping for a new gadget, or just plain have someone with you as you watch some stupid program on the idiot box. It's basically to cure an ailment called loneliness.

Reminds me of this quote that I read sometime back:

"I've got everything I need except a man. And I'm not one of those women who thinks a man is the answer to everything, but I'm tired of being alone."

Revival

I know there's something

Special in this world

When I see

Flowers blooming by the road side

Even as smoke

Threatens to suffocate them

I know there's something
Special in this world
When I see
The sun shining every morning
Even as twilight
Threatens to drown it at dusk

I know there's something
Special in this world
When I see
The wind flowing effortlessly
Even as skyscrapers
Threaten to obstruct it

I know there's something-
Something very special
In this big wide world
When I see
Hope
Conquer everything
That comes in its way

...
Believe.

Ballad

आंखों में इतनी नींद हैं, के क्या बताऊँ
पर ये तेरा इंतज़ार हैं के सोने नहीं देता

It is a dark night. Only 4 cubicles in the compete workhall are lit with those gloomy low voltage tubes. It's the GA day for the release and we have just fixed 4 issues. The five of us are waiting with bated breath as we see the builder nearing the completion of the build...

अब और ना तड़पा मुझे जालिम
कहीं ये चाहत मेरी जान ना ले ले

And there it is. The last thing that can go wrong in a day that has been spent in fire fighting release issues- the builder has failed.

तमाचा मारा होता तो ठीक होता
ये धोखा देने का अंदाज़ वार कर गया

We are looking at the screen blankly. We are tired and sleepy.

तेरे दर पर आए हैं
खाली हाथ तो नहीं लौटेंगे

I restart the builder and force a build.

तुम चाहो भी तो हमसे
दूर नहीं जा पाओगे
चाहो कहीं भी जाकर बस जाओं
आख़िर हमारी ही बाहों में आओगे

A build! In all its tar.gz glory. One of the most beautiful sights we have ever seen. We are at peace now.

तेरे काँधे पर सिर रख कर
मूँद ली हैं जो आंखें
आने दो नींद को जी भर कर
अब ख़्वाबों में होने दो बातें

Total Convergence

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~ Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken

I had recently quoted these lines when some important things were in the midst of being decided. And I wanted to put them here, as a memory stamp which would depict the sleepless moments that accompanied the process and also the stark finality of the choice that was made..

So keeping up with the tradition, I started searching for a picture for it. Which is when I found this picture that I have posted here. Looking at it, I thought to myself- who's to say that the two roads are diverging out..? What the picture shows is a junction of two roads- and it can be read in another way too. It can also be interpreted as two roads coming together to meet each other into one. And suddenly, all finality evaporated and I felt a strange relief which soothed my raw nerves as I laughed out aloud- I will sleep well tonight.. :)

Every single moment in time is complete in itself- it is not only a moment which signifies an end to the time before it, but also a moment which is the gateway to the time which is to come after it.

As I now look at the picture- I am most certain of it. Two different roads have converged into a single one.. And this new road is going to pave the way for.. Umm.. Well :) Let me just say...

Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
~ Rick Blaine, Casablanca

I know wonderful things are in store for Rick and Louis... :)

Event Horizon

The countdown has begun... :)

Outlook Express

"Two men look through the same bars: One sees the mud, and one the stars"
- Frederick Langbridge

Believe.

At this moment I am thinking of...

Well...
They say - A picture is worth a thousand words... :)

Read in between lines,words,hearts,souls- and you'll find music...

Today I came across these lines:

Sticks and stones are hard on bones.
Aimed with angry art,
Words can sting like anything.
But silence breaks the heart.

And then I read the words:

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

Which made me remember the phrase:

"Easier said than done."

But as I now get ready to go to sleep and dream- I am saying to myself:

"Everything happens for the best"

Because I know that the only truth is the one which I know-

All love is in my heart-
And all music in my soul
What words cannot say
My eyes make whole

I choose ... to smile :)

"Make a choice- and make it fast- do you want strawberry or butterscotch?..."

I looked at my sister as she stood there impatiently- her feet tapping- waiting for me to tell her which flavor of ice cream I would like to have. It was almost 3 in the afternoon and I was feeling sleepy- but I had to make this choice since it would then define the next course of action to be taken.

As I picked butterscotch- I wished making all choices were as simple.

"... Make a choice..."

Three words which, when arranged together as above, have the capability to get a person up in knots. The ice-cream example was trivial, but today, these three words stood up in front of me, when a loved one made a choice in someone else's favor- against me- "i know it hurts you, but ..." The word but, when strategically placed, can hurt a thousand times more.. And as that person chose to hurt me- I made a choice myself- I chose to honor that person's choice.

Because I believe in what J. K. Rowling once said:

It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.

I know I made the right choice.

Ride the wave...

Ghoomte Phirte Milte Hai.. Milte Hai...
Milke Saath Wo Chalte Hai.. Chalte Hai...
Dostana Naya Naya Naya
Rahein Wahi Puraani
Anjaanaa anjaani.. Beganaa begaanaa begaani..
Hai khudaa hafiz..

- Mehboob/A. R. Rehman (Yuva)

:)... It is so amazingly refreshing to re-discover a song which you have not listened to in a long time...

'Simple' has all the letters needed to make a 'Smile'

It is amazing that we all want joy to come our way- and yet we put all these conditionals on how it should come our way. So much so that when it does come- we completely ignore it just because it did not come in the attire that we expected it to be in.

I have been told (not once- not twice but many times- and recently by a person whom I briefly got introduced to) that happiness is in the moment- in simple things...

Listening to your favorite song playing somewhere. This has brought me out of terribly bad moods so many times!

Watching kids playing with each other in the park near our house when I come home from office. Just watching their innocent faces is magical... :)

Sitting by a river- listening to serene sound of the water as it laps up to the shore in small waves. It is so soothing...

Admiring the luminous moon in the dark sky. Well- there's definitely some connection that I have with the moon- it never fails to entice me... :)

And so many more similar moments that I get to live almost every day. Happiness is not circumstantial- it is a state of mind. I know it for a fact that just writing this post has made me happier than what I was just some time back. And I hope it has a similar (if not the same) effect on anyone who reads it!

Have happy times ahead people! :)

Rock n Roll...

When we are sad- God always sends us some joy wrapped up as a gift. We just need to keep our heart open and see these gifts and open them up- and viola- the happiness is all ours to have... :)

One of my colleauges just sent this song called "I hope you dance" to me- out of the blue- just like that. And listening to it made me smile instantaneously! Thanks Duy- you made my day.. And yeah- though I truly believe that I have two left feet when it comes to dancing- this song does make me wanna dance! :)

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance...

- A song performed by Lee Ann Womack

And yeah- never wait for fate to ask you for a dance... When you feel like it- just go ahead and.. Dance! :)