Dreams Unlimited

"Don't tell me you've stopped dreaming! No. Not YOU!!"

I had one of my friends exclaim this loudly to me the other day.

"Priyanka you're THE eternal dreamer, who can cross oceans for her dreams. You're.. umm.. you're like Geet from the movie Jab We Met. That's what you've always been. A person who would give anything for her dreams. Well... Maybe also a person whose dreams get fulfilled as often as they get broken. But when have broken dreams stopped Priyanka from dreaming again? Nope. They never have and they never will... Right? RIGHT???"

I smiled as my friend threw a worried glance at me. The news of me having my name put up on a local matrimonial service made her spew out all this.

"How the hell do you think you can get into an arranged marriage?? Priyanka - you're NOT arranged marriage material - you have to fall in love and get married.. I cannot believe you're doing this!!"

"Well.. Thousands of people get into arranged marriages every year you know" I made a weak attempt to reason with her.

"Yeah- thousands of people do it. But not you Priyanka. Not YOU!!"

I smiled again. After being put up on the matrimonial circuit for almost a year now, I knew what she was talking about. No, I am not saying it's a bad thing. But has it ever been a great feeling to get judged by complete strangers who come to "see" you? I am not trying to sound like a victim here, because I am sure that the feeling is mutual - I am sure that the guy feels the same way, if not worse. But that's the whole point.

Is there any place for dreams when two people are expected to decide about each other in one meeting which lasts for not more than 2 hours? No. There is no place for dreams in such a setting. It's a totally practical decision, which is made on the basis of caste+kundali+(and other things which fall in this category), education, financial status, social status, looks and so on- not necessarily in that order. There is no place for love either - it's the "pyaar to ho hee jayegaa" syndrome, wherein we are expected to fall in love with each other once we have decided that we're going to spend the rest of our lives together.

"Priyanka!! Are you listening to me??"

I looked at my friend. She's been married for over four years now - love marriage - and was recently blessed with a beautiful baby boy. I sighed. How do I explain it to her? How do I tell her that my time is running out? That being a girl who's 25 years of age and still unmarried is supposed to be a sin for me and a shame for my parents. Especially since I am a working girl. Had I been studying, it would still have been acceptable. That ways I would have at least had a post graduation degree to show off. I don't have that either. All I have is 4 years of work-ex, which is zero value-addition to my matrimonial resume.

"Nothing.." I said to her.. "I guess I am going down the arranged marriage way after all!" I forced another smile.

"That's totally full of s***" she swore. "Hey!! What about that friend of yours who .."

"So how's your li'l angel doing?" I cut her short. She got the hint and backed off gracefully, and easily got into talking about her new status as a full time mom. I drew in a breath of relief. The discussion was over - at least for now.

As I was coming back home after meeting her, I was thinking to myself - have I stopped dreaming? Have I stopped believing that I will find the kind of love that I am looking for? Haven't I already compromised on my chances of finding it by agreeing to dress up every weekend for bride seekers? Haven't I given up on falling in love my way?

And I was surprised at the answer that I gave to myself, and the surety with which it came to me. Whatever my truth maybe at this moment, it cannot wash out the truth that has been with me all my life. And a quote started ringing in my ears..

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise.”

Optimystic

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you, and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... You still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life, that will eventually begin to fade."
~ Iris, The Holiday

One of the biggest lessons to learn in life, is to be able to differentiate between hope and delusion.

More or Less

So it looks like I have received quite a lot of attention for the *less posts, in mails and messages. Which is why, before going ahead, I need to clarify one thing. I first want to thank everyone who was concerned about what was happening. Thanks people- I truly appreciate the fact that you regularly follow my blog posts - I shall keep writing for all you people always!! And secondly, there is nothing wrong with me. I am not upset, and I am definitely not depressed. It was not pain or agony- but a mere poetic streak which churned out these posts.

What I was trying out here, was a theme of the five senses being amiss- what it would feel like to suddenly find one sense missing in everything we do. Not in terms of the physical aspect, but the emotional one. Which is why, I took one piece of poetry at a time- Hindi alternated with English- each piece signifying an event/incident talking-about/leading-to directly/indirectly one sense. Looks like it was totally senseless. Haha :)

Not all these posts were meant to sound sad as such. In fact, I would say that except for the first one- Colorless- all others were not sad and had totally different ideas in them. Soundless talked about immortality. Scentless was a simple narration of the present. Wordless was a joyous admission of an inability to capture an emotion. And while Touchless had a very solemn tone (with "tears" and all)- it spoke of finality, which is not necessarily happy or sad.

Each one of us faces overwhelming emotions once in a while, which leave us a bit numb and unable to react. In each of these times, our senses kinda refuse to respond. It's when less becomes more.

In purely emotional terms, extreme joy and extreme sorrow are almost the same. Enjoy these emotions to the hilt. Live them as much as you would live any other moment. And you will see poetry coming out of the brightest and darkest hours alike.

Only a dream away...

I am upset about something not happening- my mind tells me it aint happening. And my heart foolishly believes beyond all reason that it will. It's like hoping that suddenly things will change and two and two will add upto five instead of the usual four. Obviously- the heart does not understand math. It just keeps on dreaming- it does not care what is summing up or subtracting or whatever.

I got the title for this post from this picture by Raymond Leech. And inspite of all logical reasoning and arithmetic- I believe- it's Only a Dream Away...