Killswitch

So

This person once said to me -

We need to be able to switch

In and out

Of our emotions, and thoughts

Like one would switch TV channels.

I remember, I had laughed

I am not laughing today -

I am searching for that switch.

Eyes Wide Shut

I watched Love Aaj Kal last night - Saif plays Jai and Deepika plays Meera in the movie.

The movie is no where near being extraordinary, quite the contrary actually. But there's one particular scene in the movie which was rivetting - Meera's getting married and wants to talk to Jai before she takes the plunge. You take one look at Jai's flurry of irrelevant words and Meera's pained and confused silence, and you know why Imtiaz Ali is a genius.

I'll probably not want to watch the movie a second time. But I don't think I will forget the marriage scene for a long long time.

A famous quote says that it's not hate that hurts love, it's indifference. Love Aaj Kal, however, brought to light a bigger enemy of love: the denial of its existence.

Optimystic

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you, and it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... You still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could have misunderstood, and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new, and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life, that will eventually begin to fade."
~ Iris, The Holiday

One of the biggest lessons to learn in life, is to be able to differentiate between hope and delusion.

Deserted Wishes

"If you do not have the courage to pursue your own dreams to completion - then you have no right to blame someone else's failure or unwillingness to fulfill those dreams. The moment you abandon a dream - you have already destroyed it. So either have the courage to follow your dream to fulfillment, or have the courage to accept its destruction. Please don't hang around somewhere midway trying to find a scapegoat on whom you can pin your lack of courage."

These words screamed aloud inside me as I heard someone make a careless comment blaming another person for a dream gone awry. I did not say anything - I had no right to say anything to the person who was saying them. I pushed back these words from the tip of my tongue - something which I do not do very often. There was certainly an exception to be made in this case. I listened silently.

I wonder if I can ever be capable of thinking that way- to hold someone else responsible for anything that goes wrong - to blame my inabilities on other people and live happily ever after...

The dream is dead. Long live the dream!!

Touchless

No! Don't touch it
He shrieked
It's not for you
To have it
It's given already
To be taken care of
Why, you shouldn't even
See it
It's far too pure
For your dusty eyes

She raised her face
And looked at him
Then he noticed them
Her glistening eyes
And small paths that
Tears made on her cheeks
It was always hers
He knew it then
As he looked into
Her crystal clear eyes

She stood there a while
And left without a word
He never saw her again
And she did not return
But he now knows
What she had always known
In that one moment
He lost it forever
She took what she came for
Without a single touch

"Free your mind"

I am in the process of reading a book which says that people usually focus too much on the things which are present very close to them. And they are caught up in all these things and their subconscious is trapped- like a frog in a well. The book advises that one should focus on the distant horizon- that would help expand the subconscious of that person. Or as one character in the book says, that would help "the soul to grow".

While reading that book, I realized that there are some people in this world who are just the opposite- they always look at the horizon and never at the things close to them.

These people are so caught up in listening to their subconscious and following their heart and trusting their intuition- that they miss out on the most obvious things which have been staring to their face all the while. It's like seeing the dog who's crossing the road two blocks away- but missing out on the STOP sign just right in front of of them.

I am one of these people.

And now that I have missed so many STOP signs and risked almost everything close to me at all crossings in life till now- I think it is high time I stopped. No- not to mean that I would stop dreaming- or stop believing in my intuition or subconsious- or stop following my heart. All I need to do is to stop living as if all these are the only guiding stars in my life. They are not. I have believed so long in the power of dreams- I have believed so long in the strength of faith- I have believed so long in the sanctity of the heart. I have believed and believed and believed.

Now it is time to change that.

Someone said to me that "We cannot follow our heart without thinking about consequences and what it would do to others". Ironic statement- but given recent circumstances and the way my faith has been questioned- I am inclined to agree.

No more kisses blown to the moon because it looks beautiful at night. Well- so do all the stars which twinkle brilliantly. Why single out the moon? It was a silly thing to do anyways- how many times have I been the butt of jokes for that!

No more crazy smiling-to-myself in the morning when I get up thinking it is a beautiful day. Well- every day is beautiful- what am I smiling for? My sister was seriously considering taking me to a psychatrist when she saw me smiling like that- and now that I see it- I can understand her freaking out over it!

No more poetry on the fly suddenly while I am working on some work related issue. Well- I feel nice many a times- why should I stop something in between just because my heart says so? I mean- really now- there is a time and place for anything and making way for such absurd impulses is really not a healthy thing to do.

And yes- no more waiting for things to happen. Well- I waited for years- why wait knowing it is not coming? No wait is worth any pain. Scrap that senti poem which was written some time back- things surely need to change now.

It's time for the wind to be rooted in its reality and stop looking at the unattainable horizon.

Promising Hope

It is ironic that the word compromise contains the word promise! Maybe it is because a broken promise needs more alphabets to exist by itself- and that is when we get a compromise.

Nothing hurts more than being given hope and then it being taken away...

Only a dream away...

I am upset about something not happening- my mind tells me it aint happening. And my heart foolishly believes beyond all reason that it will. It's like hoping that suddenly things will change and two and two will add upto five instead of the usual four. Obviously- the heart does not understand math. It just keeps on dreaming- it does not care what is summing up or subtracting or whatever.

I got the title for this post from this picture by Raymond Leech. And inspite of all logical reasoning and arithmetic- I believe- it's Only a Dream Away...