Addiction Awareness

H: I wonder if there is a program called Impulsive Anonymous, you know?

M: Yeah sure there is. It is called growing up. 

H: But what if I have the Peter Pan syndrome?

M: You don't. You just wish you did, for then you would be able to justify all that craziness that I have to curb.

Most dictionaries consider "uninhibited" a synonym of "impulsive". And yet, one is more positive than the other- maybe because the former is what it seems like in the present, and the latter is what it seems like in hindsight.

Intensity or Luminosity?

I am amazed at people who can focus on something keeping aside every other worry in the world. It does not matter if their house is on fire or their loved one is on fire or even if their own butt is on fire - they will continue doing what they're doing. It's said that such people are closer to God, because nothing affects their intense concentration.

I guess I disagree with the God part though.. Anything that lacks compassion cannot be close to God. And if that's how purists are, if that's how geniuses are, then I don't wish to be a purist or a genius. I am happy watching such people from a distance and admiring them. And as much as I admire them, I would not want to become one of them. Because I'd rather be poor in concentration and totally unfocused, than not being a part of this world when required the most.

Well to be fair, a burning laser beam has its own utility in demanding conditions. But it's plain light that brightens up a room, or for that matter, a gloom.

Let circumstances be the magnifying glass that converts luminous light into an intense, singular beam. But remember to get that magnifying glass out of the way once the purpose is served, else the beam will burn down everything it falls on. And no light, however intense or luminous it is, can put life into ashes.

Deserted Wishes

"If you do not have the courage to pursue your own dreams to completion - then you have no right to blame someone else's failure or unwillingness to fulfill those dreams. The moment you abandon a dream - you have already destroyed it. So either have the courage to follow your dream to fulfillment, or have the courage to accept its destruction. Please don't hang around somewhere midway trying to find a scapegoat on whom you can pin your lack of courage."

These words screamed aloud inside me as I heard someone make a careless comment blaming another person for a dream gone awry. I did not say anything - I had no right to say anything to the person who was saying them. I pushed back these words from the tip of my tongue - something which I do not do very often. There was certainly an exception to be made in this case. I listened silently.

I wonder if I can ever be capable of thinking that way- to hold someone else responsible for anything that goes wrong - to blame my inabilities on other people and live happily ever after...

The dream is dead. Long live the dream!!

Dichotomy

I know there's something
Wrong with the world
When I see
Weaklings hiding in the filth
While courage gets
Massacred on the streets

I know there's something
Wrong with the world
When I see
Lust slipping through unnoticed
While passion gets
Labeled as evil

I know there's something
Wrong with the world
When I see
Morality being condoned
While love gets
Suffocated into anonymity

Bitter Medicine

If there is one profession I respect a lot- it is medicine. When I stood at the crossroads after 12th std, I knew that I had neither the courage nor the patience to become a doctor. Because doctors are people who have the stamina, patience and courage of around ten average people put together.

But exceptions prove the rule! Along with being one of the most noble professions, doctors aka medical practitioners are also infamous for indulging in money-minting schemes and behaving in an unacceptable fashion.

Today evening, my sister got a very acute headache and my mom rushed her to a doctor who has his clinic close by. My mom has a history of migraine and my sister gets it from her. But since my sister was recently hospitalized and is on other medicines right now, so instead of any self medication, my mom decided to consult a doctor...

"नमस्कार doctor. दुपार पासून खूप डोक दुखतय हीच.. काही सुचत नाही आहे.. सध्या हे औषध चालू आहे आणी.."
"हे घ्या- हे औषध द्या.. चला"
"पण doctor- हे already जे औषध आहे ते..."
"बंद करा... त्यात काय..."
"आणी तिला migraine चा पण आहेच problem ज़रा..."
"काहीतरी बोलू नका.. लहान मुलांना migraine नसत.. तिच्या मनात काहीतरी भरू नका..."

For anyone who does not understand Marathi: the doctor completely snubbed out my mom when she tried to tell him that my sister is already on some medication and that it could be a migraine headache. The doctor said something to the tune of "What do you know?! Kids don't have migraine- don't try to put some silly ideas in her head!!"

At this point, let me mention that my sister is not a small child- she is 19 years old and totally looks her age. Needless to say, Dr. Impatient did not even bother to inquire her age. My mom was silent. I would have probably glared at that doctor and given him a piece of my mind, but because my mom is so patient herself, she continued...

"BP वगैरे काही.. "
"आता काय .. काही गरज नाही- लहानांचा BP वगैरे काही नसत.."

My mom left his clinic, but not before paying an exorbitant amount as the consultation fees.

I don't mean to be unfairly sarcastic. Such exceptions exist in all professions. But it is more critical in a profession like medicine, where it is someone's life and well being which hangs in balance. I realize that doctors are human beings too. They cannot be perfect, polite all the time. Treating and saving lives is a big responsibility and obviously it is extremely stressful. I cannot claim to even imagine what each day in their lives must be like. But does that give them an excuse to behave as they please?! No. It does not. Period. The fact that they get up everyday and go to their clinics and hospitals means that they have made a choice and are living it. And mind you- the doctors that I am talking about are getting handsomely paid for what they do.

Thankfully, I have met more good doctors than not-good ones. So my faith in these good breed of people is still quite intact. All I want to say to all those exceptions out there is:

If you cannot be true to the purpose of what you're doing, if you're not passionate about what you're doing, if you're just doing it for the money, then please don't risk our lives and our faith in your profession by continuing with it.

"Free your mind"

I am in the process of reading a book which says that people usually focus too much on the things which are present very close to them. And they are caught up in all these things and their subconscious is trapped- like a frog in a well. The book advises that one should focus on the distant horizon- that would help expand the subconscious of that person. Or as one character in the book says, that would help "the soul to grow".

While reading that book, I realized that there are some people in this world who are just the opposite- they always look at the horizon and never at the things close to them.

These people are so caught up in listening to their subconscious and following their heart and trusting their intuition- that they miss out on the most obvious things which have been staring to their face all the while. It's like seeing the dog who's crossing the road two blocks away- but missing out on the STOP sign just right in front of of them.

I am one of these people.

And now that I have missed so many STOP signs and risked almost everything close to me at all crossings in life till now- I think it is high time I stopped. No- not to mean that I would stop dreaming- or stop believing in my intuition or subconsious- or stop following my heart. All I need to do is to stop living as if all these are the only guiding stars in my life. They are not. I have believed so long in the power of dreams- I have believed so long in the strength of faith- I have believed so long in the sanctity of the heart. I have believed and believed and believed.

Now it is time to change that.

Someone said to me that "We cannot follow our heart without thinking about consequences and what it would do to others". Ironic statement- but given recent circumstances and the way my faith has been questioned- I am inclined to agree.

No more kisses blown to the moon because it looks beautiful at night. Well- so do all the stars which twinkle brilliantly. Why single out the moon? It was a silly thing to do anyways- how many times have I been the butt of jokes for that!

No more crazy smiling-to-myself in the morning when I get up thinking it is a beautiful day. Well- every day is beautiful- what am I smiling for? My sister was seriously considering taking me to a psychatrist when she saw me smiling like that- and now that I see it- I can understand her freaking out over it!

No more poetry on the fly suddenly while I am working on some work related issue. Well- I feel nice many a times- why should I stop something in between just because my heart says so? I mean- really now- there is a time and place for anything and making way for such absurd impulses is really not a healthy thing to do.

And yes- no more waiting for things to happen. Well- I waited for years- why wait knowing it is not coming? No wait is worth any pain. Scrap that senti poem which was written some time back- things surely need to change now.

It's time for the wind to be rooted in its reality and stop looking at the unattainable horizon.

Frequency = 1 / Time

I'll call it the Inverted Hourglass Syndrome. Some people keep inverting the hourglass again and again because they think it is too-good-to-be-true that time can stand still for them! They say they have the "Never say die" attitude and will always keep running against time competing till they win.

Then there are other people who realize that no matter how fast you run, time will always be ahead of you- and that to stop running is not to give up, but to understand that all the running is useless if all it is doing is to zap you out of energy and keep you away from the things that really matter.

I guess that it is a choice that everyone has to make- to answer what is the real reason behind all this running around?

Is it that there is no time- or is it that this is not the time?

Indifference

I found some new definitions today:

- Giving space: Leave the thing/person/situation alone without paying any attention to it. It/he/she will take care of itself/himself/herself.

- Treating someone like an adult: Assume that he/she will take care of things and does not need any support. Adults are like machines who are self sufficient and can always take care of themselves without any "hand-holding". They are not expected to be unreasonable and have to be forthcoming and extremely cooperative and truthful and straightforward. I am sure I have missed out on a hundred more buzz-words here- but bear with me for the time being- I am not yet "an adult"!

- Being independent: Not expecting any support from anyone. In short- be an "adult".

After being enlightened by the above definitions, I beg to differ. That giving space does not mean leaving people alone but rather to avoid overwhelming them with your ideas and opinions and give them the freedom to form their own. That being an adult does not mean being a self-sufficient intelligent machine. That being independent in no way means being indifferent and expect people to be indifferent to you.

And people who cannot handle this supposedly unresonable whim in me, can suit themselves. It is pointless to expect a space-giving independent adult to be by my side and support me!

Mindbend

Some things I learnt from my recent trip to what is referred to by some people as The Land of Dreams:

Dreams do come true
All one needs to do is know that they will. This- by the way- in no big or small way says that I subscribe to the name The Land of Dreams. A place cannot make or break one's dreams- only the person can. That been said- I still staunchly believe in fate.

Well begun is half done- and all is well that ends well
It is important to start well- so that a major ground is covered. But it is equally important not to let some debacle dampen the enthusiasm with which one began the journey.

A Genius is born- not made
I am sure many people would disagree- but I have my own reasons to believe this. One can work hard and become very successful, but there are those people who just have that extra thing- some people call it charisma, others call it the X-factor- and for a lack or a better word- I call it genius.

Perfection v/s Imperfection
Appearances can be deceptive- and at times it becomes extremely important to contemplate up to what extent we base our opinions on first impressions and outward appearances.

People who love you never complain you are far from them
There were some major crises in my family here while I was there- but never for a moment did they complain about me not being there for them. Being so far away from them made me feel even closer to them- because they made me realize that some things are to be felt from the heart and not to be measured by physical or geographical proximity.

It is not fair to raise something which one does not have the courage to express
I realized how much I loathe it when someone takes the help of others to prove a point. And worse- I realized I have unknowingly done the same at times! If I have a point to make- I have to make it myself. Borrowing from a popular Hindi/Marathi saying- it is just not done to "fire a shot keeping the gun on someone else's shoulder". If I don't have the courage to shoot- I won't. Taking the metaphor even further- it is more insulting to person being shot at. I'd rather submit to my incapability to shoot and improve upon it, than making someone else a pawn.

There is a difference between understanding and knowing
They come in the same order that they are mentioned. And while understanding comes pretty soon- knowing takes time- and most of the times- forever. Maybe it is supposed to be that ways.

Honesty is relative
Just like all virtues like truth, happiness, morality, courage and their viced counterparts. I noticed a family arguing with a custom official at the airport about some stuff they were carrying and the whole incident further strengthened belief in the Theory of Relativity.

And at last but not the least- opinions are subject to change
In other words- just like promises- opinions are formed to be changed.