Tolerant != Timid

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it" ~ Aristotle

It amazes me to find many *uneducated* people around! (Shall I just call them pig-headed, or would that be unfair to pigs?) I can totally understand having strong opinions, but how is that synonymous with believing that any other opinion is crap?!

I love music and arts, but do I think that anyone who is does not have an inclination to these creative expressions is useless or wasting their life? No, I don't. So it puzzles me to no end when people assume that the absence of interest for *their* passion in another person's life makes that person a pathetic, non-motivated soul without purpose.

Oh, and I did follow Aristotle's principle and the entertained the thought of being pig-headed (sorry PETA!), and I chose not accept it. Opinionated? No, because I gave the other thought a chance, but it did not win !!

Impressive Expression

The other day, me and my colleague were reviewing a presentation that was to be given to students and fresh graduates who were about to embark on a journey in the IT industry. There was one slide which talked about having the right attitude. I had an idea to put forth at the time- but I could not put in across as clearly as I would have liked to. And when I read this quote, I was delighted to see that it put my thoughts in the correct set of words:

“It's easy to let life deteriorate into making a living instead of making a life. It's not the hours you put in, but what you put into the hours that counts. Learn to express rather than impress. Expressing evokes a "me too"' attitude while impressing evokes a "so what" attitude.”
~ Jim Rhon

Express v/s impress. A difficult, but very important lesson to learn. And the sooner one learns it, the better. I have an interesting example to give here. I had a colleague who frequently got into petty arguments with people. Over time, I realized what the problem was: he saw every thing as an opportunity to show off his knowledge. Whether it was an interview, a meeting or a general discussion, he assumed it was a chance for him to showcase his talent and expertise. No one ever had any doubts about his knowledge or expertise- everyone has acknowledged long back that this guy was good. But everyone shied away from interacting with him because of his "I know it all" attitude. So in spite of him being so talented, neither could he be of any help to people, nor could he add any value by his presence.

I had talked about this in another post of mine (Clash of the Titans), that after a certain stage, we need to stop asking others to certify our worth. Instead, we need to join this "others" camp and help people understand their worth.

Work on your expression, and your impression will take care of itself.

Wild Wild Teens

I just read a very good post here, which talks about how, setting the right priorities, can help kids look at things in the right perspective and avoid unnecessary confrontation with their tired parents. And my personal experience as an elder sister has taught me an important lesson in this regard.

Kids- teenagers more so- are a breed of their own- or at least that is what they like to believe. Being in teens is almost as excruciating for the teenager as it is for the parent/guardian. A teenager is always trying out different masks- and in the process of it- trying to find out his or her true identity. Talking to them (leave apart explaining something to them) is a very difficult task- unless- we think like them.

The issue is not only absence of priorities or misplaced priorities- it is also about the difference in our priorities and theirs. That's what people call the generation gap- and it is not peculiar to teenagers- it is just more emphasized for them, because they don't give a damn about anyone else's priorities. Ironically- that's the way youth is- which is why they are also capable of feats (good and bad) which demure and more mature people won't even dream of.

Imagine being in a group of friends aged 14-something, most of whom have expensive gadgets or totally unacceptable body art. It's all about the coolness quotient- you're either one of them, or you're out to fend for yourself. Parents and siblings suddenly become the most unimportant people in the world for them- as their friends and special friends and extra special friends start assuming mammoth significance. Every teenager is scared of being labeled as uncool or an outcast. Every teenager wants to be the most popular one- and if that popularity comes at the cost of being rebellious at home, then it is "so be it" for them. And that is their highest priority.

But first things first: lets make one thing very very clear. Giving in to their demands every single time is stupidity- because giving in to unreasonable tantrums will never set their perspective right.

So what do you do? Well- you have to negotiate with them like a seasoned bargainer. Let their demands be fulfilled as rewards for something that you would want them to do. Let them realize that every joy is sweeter when preceded by some sweat and hard work. Let them realize the value of money and time by regulating it based on the fulfillment of a promise that they made to you. Let them make some small mistakes- give them a chance to learn from them in stead of trying to restrain them in a protective cocoon.

Agreed- it is much much easier said than done. No one would want to let their child/sibling getting drugged at a late night party or dropping out of high-school- and I am no exception. So yes- some boundaries need to be drawn- and we need to make sure that these boundaries are not crossed- whatever be the reason. And when teenagers start acting up a tantrum, wanting to cross these- it seems like an impossible task to reason with them...

But I speak from personal experience as I say this- the most important thing that teenagers need is self-confidence. They are always in dire need of it. Especially so in today's cut-throat competitive world- where they either have to excel, or resign to being an Average Joe or Plain Jane. So, as irrational or unreasonable they seem- we have to assure them that we believe in them. And that we will continue to do so even if they have plain black hair and no cellphone. They need our faith- not our anger. The more angry and stubborn we get- the more they will rebel.

And most important of all- they need to be told- that it is not us versus them- it is us and them. That it can never be an 'either-or' scenario- it will always have to be an 'and-or' scenario. Once they realize that we are not trying to control their lives and that we just want to have a say in it- they will tone down their hostility.

So be it! :)

Clash of the Titans...

Six teams of fifteen people each. A cool game modeled on the age old game of Treasure Hunt. A very good idea to bring disparate teams in a business unit together. The game plan was perfect. And the end-result? A group of people shouting at each other at the top of their voices- fighting with the event coordinators for justice.

People came for the event fully charged- and most of them (read the losers) left with joyless sarcastic cheer and the others (read the winners) left with some gifts and empty hoots of hurrays. Empty because they were already so tired fighting for the win- it did not seem like a win anymore.

The idea behind the game was to entertain the people involved- to get them to know each other in a setting which was outside the context of work. But what ended up happening was a bitter group of unruly people ready to climb up on chairs and tables to prove their point.

What went wrong with an event which started off with such a good idea? The fact that the coordinators were not well prepared and the organization could definitely have been better added to the fiasco- and am sure that they can and will learn from these shortcomings. But the next time- they would need to do more than just organize it- they need to know how to tame the people they are trying to cater to...

I guess it is difficult to entertain a bunch of intelligent people, each one of whom is as ambitious as the other, each one of whom has stood first in their class in school/college, each one of whom is an ace performer at the workplace. When such people are pitted against each other- we must expect fireworks. Their only aim is to win. And when they see something or someone trying to stop that from happening- bang! Out come all the intellectual weapons loaded with huge amounts of verbal sarcasm.

I was once chosen as one of the anchors for an Antakshari contest in the company. When the event coordinator met me- he looked at me with a surprised look and said-
"You?! You almost look like a fresher! You are going to compere it?"
"Why- yes I am.. Are you unsure about whether I would be able to present it well..?"
"Oh no no- not at all... I have no doubts about your verbal and presentational skills... But you have to remember- when the teams start playing- it is not a game anymore- it is like being on the war-front... Are you sure you want to do this..?"
"Well thanks for the warning sir.. But I think I can handle this"
I was amused at what the coordinator had said- and I was thinking to myself- how bad can it get! It's a simple game.

And as I look back- I know I have never been more mistaken in my life. I had to tame those teams like a ring master- they were like wild animals on the loose- and the audience would just add fuel to the fire. After the contest- my co-anchor said "Priyanka- today I saw your Kali maataa roop" and I replied back saying "Today I saw the raakshas in all those brilliant engineers who come across as perfect sophisticates when you meet them in the hallway or in the pantry".

Yesterday evening, as I watched everyone around me fight- I was wondering- why was the purpose lost on them? Why are they playing it as if it is a matter of life and death. Being passionate about it is fine- and in fact- I would not allow myself to play the game if I wasn't into it completely. But is that passion itself not the biggest reward in a game like this?! Is enjoying oneself not the first prize in a group activity like this? I played it with full spirit and enjoyed the adrenalin rush to the hilt as we searched for clues.. I enjoyed myself completely as I looked at all the clues with my teammates to figure out the answer. And it was my moment of glory when the answer occurred to me in a flurry of mental activity. Those moments were more precious to me than the presentation ceremony later.

But it is and will remain the truth that most people that I saw around me yesterday- entered the game to win it- and win it at any cost. For them- it was not a way to relax and interact with people- it was just another way to prove themselves. And that is exactly where the fun element disappeared completely.

I don't mean to sound like a monk here- I love the limelight and I love being acknowledged (yeah well- am human!). But fighting to get acknowledged by proving others wrong... Hmm.. Not my cup of tea.

All those people who were fighting yesterday did not realize a simple thing- they did not need a silly game to prove their capabilities to anyone. All of them are already winners in their own right.

Everyone has to struggle to make a mark- and the initial step of making this mark involves the acknowledgment by some people (parents/teachers/managers/family/society). Once that mark is made- we need to stop depending on their acknowledgment to certify our capabilities. We need to grow up and scale ahead. After a certain point, the best acknowledgment and appreciation comes from us- and it is called contentment... :)