Varied Definitions

कोई ये कैसे बतायें के वो तन्हा क्यों हैं
वो जो अपना था वोही ऑर किसी का क्यों हैं
यही दुनिया हैं तो फिर ऐसी ये दुनिया क्यों हैं
यही होता हैं तो फिर आख़िर यही होता क्यों हैं

एक ज़रा हाथ बढ़ा दे तो पकडले दामन
उसके सीने में समा जाएँ हमारी धड़कन
इतनी कुरबत हैं तो फिर फासला इतना क्यों हैं

दिल-ऐ-बरबाद से निकला नहीं अब तक कोई
एक लुटे घर पे दिया करता हैं दस्तक कोई
आंस जो टूट गयी फिर से बंधाता क्यों हैं

तुम मसर्रत का कहो या इसे गम का रिश्ता
कहते हैं प्यार का रिश्ता हैं जनम का रिश्ता
है जनम का जो ये रिश्ता तो बदलता क्यों हैं?
~ कैफी आजमी

If I remember correctly, I first listened to this song when I was 10 years old or so. My Mom loved all Jagjit Singh ghazals and she had the audio cassette having all songs from the movie Arth. I did not understand much of it when I heard it at the time. I kept asking my Mom what it meant - "what does tanhaa mean??" And she had told me - "Don't be so impatient dear, you will know when you will know. Right now, you can just feel good about the fact that you don't know what it means" I did not realize till much later how much she had said in those few words.

Over the years, I have listened to this song many many more times - each time with it assuming radically different meanings for me, and yet remaining as relevant as ever. Sometimes I related to the song as I struggled with sharing the time of a loved one with other things and people. At other times, the song gave voice to my confusion as affection replaced time in the last sentence. And there were other times when it was much more than time and affection - probably something which I am not equipped to capture in words.

But through all these years, I still haven't been able to understand or justify the last line of the song, which asks the soulful question about a relationship changing over time.

Isn't change a way of life? At the cost of sounding completely inexperienced and very naive too- isn't it so that a relationship remains sanct only if there are not restrictions of how it should be? Is it not a living thing which should be allowed to grow as it pleases? Would it not lose it's vitality if it's boxed into a particular shape or size or color, or, for that matter, a legal representation laid down by society?

Like every one else, I have struggled with the changing nature of relationships - with my parents, with my siblings, with my colleagues and friends. And every time, after the initial "why does it have to be this way" rant, I came around to accept the fact that it's the only way it can be.

And more importantly - I know one thing to be true always, irrespective of the nature of the relationship and the people involved in it: it cannot survive if it's not allowed to take its own course. It cannot survive if it's relegated to what its socially acceptable name "requires" it to do.

हमने देखी हैं उन आंखों की महकती खुशबू
हाथ से छुके उसे रिश्तों का इल्जाम ना दो
सिर्फ़ एहसास हैं ये रूह से ही महसूस करों
प्यार को प्यार ही रहने दो कोई नाम ना दो
~ गुलज़ार

Don't try and define a relationship - let the relationship define you...